Progress Report 6: Exploding Eyeball and Mowing Lawns
Hello, this is our 6th progress report where I will cover the bottom of the barrel Nuclear Revenge content. It seems that all the rambo-esque guys are on vacation so today we just have another badass kid as well as a heart broken teen.
One day, OP and his class were leaving the lunch room. On the way out he was eating an apple. Then out of nowhere, a kid he didn’t know put him into a headlock and started slapping him. OP then punches the kid in the eye with the apple still in hand, so hard that it "exploded on impact". The kid runs away and tells on OP. But the kid got in trouble instead of OP.
Sounds like OP is Captain Falcon if he could explode another kids eye. If so, we should respect him. He is now the apple of my eye. Great job kiddo!
OP has been dating a girl since elementary school. Her parents liked him since he was a kind, hard worker that mowed lawns for a living as he got older. On the other hand, their daughter did not work and was spoiled with their money. Despite the differences between the two, her parents believe the two would get married one day.
That is until she cheats on him and he decides to tell her parents. As a punishment, they ground her "from everything" for a year and stop spoiling her. They forced her to go out and work for money like a real person does. Can you guess what she did for money at that point? Mowed lawns just like her ex does.
If the grass is green, play ball! Unless she's an unloyal ho. Honestly, her being a spoiled brat is a red flag he should've seen a long time ago.
So as you can see, the stories in these reports are getting milder by the week. Perhaps we are running a lot of the edge lords and rambos out of this sub by showing that we don't want them here and that they will just be the butt of my jokes and puns while they get no karma for their story efforts.
Fortunately, we have gotten several good stories since the last progress report. Some of them were removed but most of them stayed. Anyways, that is all for now. Stay tuned for the next progress report.
As a side note, I have been thinking of new ideas for this sub that I am discussing with the other mods so we can evolve Nuclear Revenge into something better than before. We should have some new features for you, not too far from now. Stay tuned for that as well.
▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪ Progress Report 7: Fried Kitten, Poking A Booty, and A Diarrhea Sock
Hello, this is our 7th progress report where I will cover the bottom of the barrel Nuclear Revenge content. I am sorry for this one being late but I decided to wait till I had enough stories to cover. Here's what I have today:
Story One (Actual Post):
"Cat bit my hand so I turned him to Chinese takeout."
The end. That's it. One sentence. Another award winning novel of the Asian Hannibal Lector visiting the animal shelter for a new cat to serve the customers at the local restaurant. You never know what you're eating. Kung Pao Meow.
OP was sitting in school with friends while they were eating. Then out of nowhere, a kid came and started pushing OP and one of his friends. For revenge, his friend had a brilliant idea.
The next day, this kid was on the floor (not sure why) and so OP's friend "poked this kid so hard in the ass that he literally cried."
Story title should've been: "Bully is an asshole so he gets poked in the asshole." The only thing to take away from this story is why he didn't say, "no homo" before doing the hokey pokey and turning the bully around and...
Story Three (Actual Post):
"My moms found my scrumptious shit sock with oozing poo water coming from the side and said, “what the fucc is this I didn’t raise a mistake.” I said mom don’t eat my poop sock or I will snap your neck but she did so I went in her room and ate hers. I’m 34 and she’s 68 touch my fuccing poop sock again mom I dare you"
"What have I done"
I wish I could delete OP's account for submitting this. Eat shit kid.
So that's all I have for you right now. Again, I'm sorry for the delay in this report. I think these progress reports are no longer going to be weekly as I am running out of new crappy stories to cover. But feel free to check out our 2nd sub, NotSoNuclear (no longer accessible) to read the old crappy stories that came before the progress reports started. I have already posted a month's worth of rejected stories there. Eventually, newer stories will be posted there.
▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪ Progress Report 8: Shit Dick, Cunty Karen and Beauty and The Bestiality
Hello, this is our 8th progress report where I will cover the bottom of the barrel Nuclear Revenge content. Today we have a cocktail of dumpster fires and heavy diapers. What, that doesn't make sense? Well, neither do these stories:
OP used to run a commentary Youtube channel with a mean persona where he would make fun of depressed kids who cut themselves and heard voices in their heads. OP claims to have done this because apparently they took advantage of their disorders to be different and weird.
At some point for some unknown reason, OP's "friends" decided to criticize him in their videos, calling him Cat Fucker, Bird Fucker, Child Molester and a Dirty Little Ni**** even though he is white.
They would also hire artists to draw a picture of OP fucking animals and children. But according to OP, all the accusations were fake and really they were the bad guys. OP claims one of his friends took pictures of his parakeet next to his dick. The other friend, a 14 year old, was cheating on his 12 year old girlfriend. And apparently they all bragged about raping girls and hated Muslims, according to OP.
But it gets even worse. His friends would send him underage porn. But not just any underage porn. It was their own personal porn videos! OP was disgusted by this and proceeded to cry and puke on his bed. All of this has now given OP PTSD.
So now for the revenge. "Karma" gets these fools and then their Youtube accounts get suspended. One of them was banned. All of this happened because of the horrific things they said. Ha, got em!
Now it's time for my commentary. Sounds like it's Law & Order SVU time! This case was very heinous. And Youtube bears witness to such atrocities. Oh and did I mention the part where OP's friends told him they would get a bull to rape him? Well, a horny bull is not something to take lightly or you might get a horn up your ass. Red Bull may give you wiiings but black bull gives you dick and invites you over to dinner. Bad news. OP needs to report that threat to the authorities immediately!
I call this one, "Beauty and The Bestiality."
Story Two (Actual Post):
"Onw day i was in going to my super epic job😎😎😎😎😎🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but then over my cameras I set all over my house give me alert and I check mt watch and see wife fuck cat. I was angry only me and tyrone were allowed to do that. So i met my cousing and we create ebay. And we plan to sell dog 🐩🐩🐩🐑🦍🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶 and we not goin we lie see none other than obam (founder of obama care) and he say i want dog” .And seeig this was only way of revenge👺😈😈😈😈😈👺😈😈😈😈 I sold dog and wife show up angry👿😡😡😡😡🤬🤬🤬 she thretened lawsuit and divorce. like the dumbass fucking cuck I am, responded with please don leave baby im sorry and then everyone clapped."
OP is now banned for intentionally giving me eyeball cancer. And now I will spread it to all of you as well.
Story Three (Actual Post):
"My friend is useing my account so the story now. A girl by the name of heather, threatened me and my friends over instagram. She started to send people after us so we took action. We told her parents and sent screenshots, THIS GOT WORSE. The girl kept harassing us until her parents smashed her iPad and took her iPhone away for the year. I think her bloodline is gone UWU"
This isn't a punishment, it's a favor. Don't let your kids be Apple users. Who the hell still uses an iPod these days? No wonder why her parents smashed that shit. PS, I don't care if this statement bothers you.
OP used to be addicted to various drugs until he had gotten clean. But an asshole school friend kept encouraging OP to take drugs again, basically relapse. So in retaliation, OP put viagra and laxatives in his drink one day. It takes a toll on him when he ends up shitting diarrhea on the school bus while having a boner in front of everyone. He ends up going to the hospital afterward.
So my conclusion of this story is that it sounds like an episode of Jackass where they think it'll be funny to do this to someone. What should the title be? "Wanna bully me? Get ass blasted!"? Just imagine his doo doo water running down the bus isle in those floor grooves. You know the saying in that one song, "When something's smelling strong, you just drip it." That's how it goes right?
I suppose this is the appropriate time for the Diarrhea, Diarrhea song. I'll start it off. "When your driving into town and your feeling something brown. Diarrhea, Diarrhea." Your turn. Don't let me down.
Anyways, after looking at this story in it's entirety, I'd say this situation is very shameful but not life ruining. I give this story 0 out of 5 flushes. Overall, a shitty story.
OP and his family decided to go bowling. At one point another family shows up and they start competing. Eventually, when OP goes to take his turns throughout the game, the family would complain about it being their ball and not his. Even if he grabbed a random ball, they would complain about it, especially the mom who according to OP, screamed in his face saying, "THAT'S OUR BALL!".
OP decided to take his turn anyway, he made a strike with "their" ball and the mom of that family decided to go complain to the guy at the front desk. Nothing happened of course.
The final straw of this story is when OP goes to take his final turn of the round but the mom takes the ball from him and shoves him with the ball against his chest. At this point, OP had enough and decided to get revenge on her. With all those heavy bowling balls around, you can probably see where this is going.
OP pressed the reset button on their game screen and they lost all of their progress. The mom then throws a temper tantrum and complains to the guy at the front desk again, demanding that he kick OP and his family out. But her family gets kicked out instead.
Wow, very nuclear! I can't believe OP had the balls to do such an act. First he did a counterstrike with their ball and then Thanos snapped all of their game progress away. That'll show that bitchy Karen. 3 complaints and you're out.
So in conclusion, the badass kids and fake Rambos have retired. The stories have now evolved into rape, bus boners and diarrhea. I wonder what the future holds for us all. Well, that is all I have for you today. Enjoy your loss of brain cells. You can find these stories on NotSoNuclear as well (no longer accessible).
▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪ Progress Report 9: Vape Dealer, Mr. Potato Head and Forming A Militia
Hello, this is our 9th progress report where I will cover the bottom of the barrel Nuclear Revenge content. Recently, Badass Kid, Edgy Teen and Fake Rambo have made their comeback and are ready to ruin some lives. Let's take a closer look at these 3 popular stars of nuclear shame.
The Edgy Teens are a formidable 1 man army. It only takes 1 of these lone wolves to ruin your life. That is, after ruining their own along the way. And that's ok with them for they already have a disheartened will to live after not getting the things their moms refused to buy them. They pretty much have nothing to lose. So don't cross them.
Usually known for kicking some bully's ass while somehow not getting in trouble for it. They defied the zero tolerance rule and probably bribed the janitor to give the bully a swirly by closing the lid on their head and sitting on it while repeatedly flushing. Despite all of this, there's not much to be said about them. They are just looking for validation.
These guys are next level, so much in fact that they outdo themselves. They make Mission Impossible look possible. They make Chuck Norris look like a joke. And not the good kind either. They put John Wick to shame and even prevent their dog from being murdered by not even having one. Yes I know, it's remarkable. They truly are something else. They are just too good to be true.
Ok so now that we have an understanding of the rather 3 horsemen of the subreddit destroying apocalypse, let's dive right in to the stories. Shall we?
Story One (Edgy Teen):
OP's story takes place during the school year in 9th grade and has a friend that used to sell vape and weed at the time. Let's call him Dealer. They live in California where weed is legal for adults. Adults, they are not. Dealer at one point, gave his drugs to another friend to hide them from his parents. After awhile, his friend decided he was going to start selling the drugs instead of holding on to them. OP contacted Dealer and told him that his friend was going to sell the drugs.
Dealer demands his drugs back from his friend but he refused to hand it over. So when OP finds out that this guy is going to sell at a local park, he tells Dealer about this and they get "togetner" to confront him at the park. They managed to intimidate him into giving the drugs back without hurting him. In the end, OP was rewarded $200 from his friend, Dealer for his support. OP finishes this story by saying it's "literally GTA in real life."
Yeah I'm sure someone would give someone all of their drugs to hide and not expect them to run off with them. Also, what kind of dealer sells vape? Only skinny jean wearing fuck boys and Kyles vape. Seriously, all they do is constantly mark their territory by blowing out big smoke clouds everywhere as they hot box every bathroom and school bus in town.
Story Two (Badass Kid):
OP is in 7th grade at the time of this story where he was having a food fight in the lunch room. He tried to fling his mashed potatoes at his friend but missed and hit some other kid in the back of the head. That kid warned OP that he would get him back when he least expected it.
A month later when OP forgot all about it, the kid got him back by dumping mashed potatoes into his back pack, ruining it. OP was bummed out about his mushy backpack but he wasn't just going to surrender. He had to get back at that kid. Especially, since OP considered this kids actions as an act of nuclear revenge against him and so he had to one up him.
So during gym, OP went to the locker room and covered that kids clothes in peanut butter because he really hates it. After that I think OP had a stroke because the rest of the story is illegible.
So it seems that Operation Food Fight was a success. As for the writing of this story? Not so much. Would've been better if the kid was allergic to peanuts and was rushed to the hospital. Then the story could've been called, "Mr. Potato Head Dies From Nut Paste".
Story Three (Fake Rambo):
OP describes this course of events to have taken place during the summer. It starts off with him beginning to date a girl who is his friend's ex. His friend becomes angry and starts to spread rumors about her, saying she cheated on OP for him. He would taunt OP for being the first to date her saying OP was getting sloppy seconds. Ultimately, the rumors and harassment from this guy made OP's girlfriend depressed. At one point she even attempted suicide.
Then comes the point where OP had enough. He decided to spring into action and devise a plan. An "ingenious plan" at that. OP gives some backstory to his plan known as "Operation Lights Out" saying he is very militant and has a lot of military equipment. Because of that, he formed a militia.
His plan took place one night where he snuck out at night (implying his parents might catch him) to go to his targets house to break into his shed by burning a hole through the shed with a blow torch, undetected without burning the shed down, used his knife to cut an electrical cable in the shed to cut out their power. The end.
So what movie is this? A teenager did this? He mentioned in the story that his plan took place over a whole week where he would crawl to the target's house. But then what? Does that mean he just practiced crawling there and then one night he actually carried out the plan to cut out the power? More like cut out your bullshit you fake Rambo.
What did his militia even do to contribute? He also said that he is "well organized when it comes to causing harm" cause he plans to join the Army. Damn check mate. Planning to join is dangerous to us. So badass.
So in conclusion, our karma grabbing family of 3 is back at it, acting crazier than a crack addict. I guess it's about time they made their comeback to ensure that our brain cells don't multiply too much. And to also fuel these progress reports. As always, you can check out the full stories at NotSoNuclear (no longer accessible) if you'd like. Otherwise, that is all for now.
▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪ Progress Report 10: Divine Ass Beating, Expensive Nudes, A Shitty Donut Investigation and More
Hello, this is our 10th progress report where I will cover the bottom of the barrel Nuclear Revenge content. Now, I had to put this progress report off for over a month because I needed my brain cells to re-multiply so I could have a functional brain again for Thanksgiving and Christmas. But once that wait was over, I was ready to ruin my IQ once again for you, the people so you don't have to. So here it is, a progress report with 10 terrible stories. Let's see just how nuclear these stories are, or aren't. Try not to get radiation sickness, alright?
OP met a woman 5 years ago and over the years they were good friends until they eventually became friends with benefits. This was all fine and dandy until she wanted to get married and have kids. Basically, tie him down by the balls. OP did not want this. He only wanted to remain as fuck buddies.
So this woman decided to pretend to be ok with his choice at first but would end up forcing a child on to him by pretending to take birth control. One day they discover that she is pregnant. OP was not happy about this. She forced a pregnancy against his will.
OP realized that he is on the hook for child support. He deems his life to be ruined. He wants revenge on her for fucking him over, literally. And so he comes up with this bright idea to make her life just as miserable. Knowing that where he is from, when it comes to personal debt, it is owned by both spouses regardless of who created the debt. This is part of Community Property Laws.
So OP convinces his now wife to merge their bank accounts for “convenience” but really it was so he can have access to all of the money. He then started to buy a lot of expensive stuff for him and his friends. OP stated that he made these purchases in a “Blitzkrieg style”, swiftly and intensely until he managed to burn through about 55k in two months. After that he then maxed out his credit cards, financed a Dodge Charger and a took a mortgage on a $300k home. His wife tried to stop him but couldn't due to Community Property Laws where he can legally share his debt with her with a simple signature on some paperwork and she can't do anything about it.
Once he had created a mountain of debt, he quit his six figure salary job so they couldn't garnish his wages. So only his wife has to pay for the debt he created on top of her student loan which was another $50k. And she was at risk of losing her job due to the debt. Once the damage was done, he left to go live with a friend.
SLPT - Don't want to pay for child support for 18 years? Commit financial suicide with a lifetime worth of debt, destroy your credit and then quit your high paying job so you can never pay for it. Genius! If he was able to sign his debt over to her, that means he made her broke with a pen stroke. His evil wife is really suffering now. There's no way that he is the bad guy here, right? This is a reasonable response to a woman that has you by the balls, right?
OP is out camping with his grandpa and he brought his grandpa's vintage survival stove that was a gift to him. This survival stove was issued to his grandpa when serving in the Wehrmacht during WW2. At one point, OP is teaching his grandpa how to use his own stove that he survived with. Well, unfortunately his grandpa ended up ruining the stove somehow when OP was sleeping which angered him. They yelled at each other until they both pulled out Mauser pistols on each other. Grandpa's failed to fire and so OP shot him in the arm and stomach. Then he packed up and left his grandpa to die in the woods. Apparently, justice is a lost cause in OP’s country so he got away with it.
What year is it again? Who brings Mauser pistols for camping? Wait, this veteran doesn't know how to use his own stove that he survived with? Maybe it's just Alzheimers? Or maybe it's a bullshit story. But if not, that means a Nazi died. Not so bad.
OP read a story in a “book of faces post” where a woman scammed small car businesses out of a collective total of $20k in car parts, basically getting the services done and not paying for them. Well, one of those companies that were scammed posted about this issue on the “book of faces” and eventually the users started researching the woman mentioned. They found her personal info, her family's personal info, all their “book of faces” profiles, and even this woman's nudes. On top of that she also had a huge lawsuit against her and was possibly on the hook for fraud charges.
The world's most expensive nudes. They better be worth it. But overall, she still got over $20k in car parts. Sounds like she won, not them. Sounds like a story of some mad lad woman who single handedly bankrupted a small business as she pimps her ride. Looks like the shop can't fix that one.
Story Four (Actual Post):
"(Sorry for spelling errors I’m on mobile) About two years ago my boyfriend (at the time) thought it would be a good idea to cheat on my with one of my friends. My friend told me without telling him ( I was fucking pissed). So about a week later I had let off some steam but when we were in bed I decided it would be a good time to give him a blowjob... so I bit his dick and he fucking screamed... like I’ve never heard a guy scream that loud. TLDR: my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me so I bit his dick."
Um, that's not how head works. Unless she is literally trying to swallow his dick. Poor guy got re-circumcised. His dick probably looks like a surfboard after a shark chomps it.
A kid that was nicknamed “Little Shit” by OP, is a town thief that often broke into cars and stole various items. One day OP's grandpa walked out to his car only to discover that Little Shit was breaking into it. Upon being spotted, he ran away with the car radio into a nearby church thinking it was safe. Unfortunately, for him, that church hosted martial arts classes every few days and they were in the middle of a session when Little Shit ran in. The grandpa walked in and said “That little shit stole my radio” and then the whole class proceeded to beat the shit out of Little Shit, in a church.
In the name of the Lord
Stomp him on his spinal cord
Fear God and this ass beating
Bash his head on the isle seating
You oughta be slapped by Mother Mary
And fucked up by a Missionary
Little Shit thinks he's a beast
Till he's in the hands of the Church Priest
Story Six (Actual Post):
"So one day my father told me a story how he saw a kid getting bullied in high school so he went up to him and said "knock it off" so he got his brother to come fight my Father time to meet the cast d1 (dumbass1) d2 (dumbass2) d3 (dumbass3) so then he swings on him but my father dodges it and smacks him real hard in the face he punched him 4 times and broke some of his bones then d2 attacks swing and a miss to the hospital to you to d3 just ran because he was a pussy and my dad said how does it feel to be disabled. (the kid getting bullied was mentally disabled) but this was the olden days so he got smacked with a cane at school and smacked at home."
I felt like a dumbass after reading this. How about you? Ever been smacked with a cane, a curved piece of wood? No? Me neither. Wait, a mentally disabled guy was also a bully? Huh, I guess that proves he was mentally disabled.
OP says his cousin was beat up by a guy she refused to have sex with. He reported the incident to the police but they weren't doing anything about it since this guy is the local Sheriff's son. At one point, OP took his cousin to his house and hid her in a room with the biggest gun he has while he set out to find this guy.
Since this guy was a hunter, OP and his friend decided to invite him over for a hunting trip. When this guy and the friend showed up, OP snuck up in camo and pretended to knock his friend out with a rifle butt stroke. Then he held this guy at gunpoint and told him to strip naked. At first he refused but a shot into the ground next to his foot convinced him to take it all off.
He then forced this guy to walk into the woods naked through thorn bushes, water, etc. He even made him crawl through mud puddles. Once he was broken and crying, OP knocked him out with his rifle before abandoning him in the woods. OP later burned the guy's clothes. He was forced to walk home naked. And apparently he also confessed to his crime and got sent to prison for a long time.
Oh looky here, another fake Rambo story that doesn't add up. Looks like the hunter got hunted and stripped of all his bearings. Why would he make him strip naked then get all wet and dirty? What fantasy is OP into? Also, there's no way one could lightly hit someone with a rifle, pretending to knock them out and still make it believable. That would hurt either way.
OP was in 5th grade and was being bullied all year. But next year when the bully tried to hurt him, OP finally snapped with the rage of a thousand bully victims and turned into a badass out of nowhere. He then smashed the bully's face into the wall and floor, leaving him knocked out cold in his own blood.
Here is the aftermath that ensued, nicely put into a list by OP that I copied/pasted:
- He was hospitalized for 3 days
- He never picked on me again
- Literally EVERYONE feared me, including the teachers.
- I got a 3 week suspension
- I got LOTS of respect and no one talked to me in a bad tone or way
- I made a friend, his name was Lucas and I protected him from other bullied that were picking on him, I told the bullies that if i ever caught them picking on him or anyone ever again, I personally would leave them hospitalized like i did with Sean. They stopped and Lucas is still my friend to this day
- I basically owned the school (because everyone feared and respected me so much and because everyone followed my orders to the letter for the rest of middle school)
Ah man, no classic swirlys? Sounds like the bully will need it to wash the blood off his face.
OP is a “vindictive AF” vengeance seeker who was cheated on by his girlfriend about 4 years ago who later dumped him to be with the other guy. Eventually, she wanted OP to take her back which he didn't agree with at first cause he put her on “probation” and told her she can't “prove me she is serious” while he can still date other girls. A month later he “officially” takes her back in order to begin his revenge.
He started of by being shameful and derogatory towards her over time, calling her fat and dumb, etc. Then he started degrading her in bed by slapping her, pissing on her, forcing her head down and not helping her finish. Basically, selfish sex.
4 months into all of this, he got tired of it all and decided to put up a final act. He arranged 3 of his buddies to join them which she was forced to go along with cause he said he would leave her if she didn't go along with his fantasy. This lasted 3 hours. Afterward, he told her to leave and that he didn't want to see her again. OP justified this by saying he's a “vile POS” and pretty much owns it.
Another SLPT - If your girlfriend cheats on you, make her sleep with your friends for revenge. Bonus points if they are random guys.
Story Ten (Actual Post):
"Wasn’t sure if my previous exact post on this went through because I was in bad WiFi, so I’m trying again.
Sorry for the subpar formatting, I am currently on mobile. English isn’t my first language so I would also like to apologize for any grammar mishaps in this post.
I’m a Dunkin’ Donuts employee in the city, and we put up with a fair share of rude and entitled customers, but’s it’s part of the job so we put up with it. Anyways, we have a pretty consistent customer that is always giving us trouble, we will call him Korblex III.
Korblex III always orders a Boston creme donut everyday, but constantly complains on the quality of said donut (it’s dunkin what do you expect buddy, also he never gets a different donut so this confuses me). He will butt in front of other customers and shove people to get his order, and we’ve had to deny serving him a few times and escort him from the place for yelling obscenities.
Anyways about 8 months ago, Korblex III stopped showing up at our store, only to make a reappearance last week. I think his parole may have ended - I’ve heard rumors he was on parole for assault of a Walmart’s employee down the street - this kinda puts us all on edge.
It was an unpleasant surprise when Korblex III showed up, but he wasn’t shouting or acting out, it was odd. He really seemed like a changed man as he was dressed much nicer, and his hair cut neatly. He ordered his usual Boston Kreme, and at some point, not sure when, headed into the restroom.
Later that night, as I work the later shift, I went to clean up the bathrooms before closing. I go into the men’s room and into stall 1, to find a revolting site. There was a massive piece of feces left unflushed in the toilet. What kind of barbarian would not flush? I physically gagged at the site, wanting to vomit. I cannot fathom how you could forget to flush. The pure disrespect.
I go to check security cam footage as I have been with Dunkin’ Donuts for a while now and I am trusted, and see when people walked into the bathroom. Many customers went in and out throughout the day, so to most people, it would be impossible to tell who did not flush.
I am not most people.
I go back to the bathroom and scoop that large piece of feces out of the toilet, poke my finger in it, and taste the grainy and smooth particles floating around in my mouth. At first, I’m getting a earthy yet oaky taste, but then it hits me. The feces specimen is 3 hours and 46 minutes old based on the amount of fermentation I’m getting from the sugars still in the feces.
I check the time stamp on the footage for 3 hours and 46 minutes ago (a bit before actually to catch who went into the bathroom), and there it is. Korblex III enters the restroom. I should’ve known, there was something entirely off about him.
My revenge starts to form in my head as absolutely no one can just lay feces in our toilets without flushing. I’m frothing in anger.
I put the feces from the toilet in the Dunkin’ Donuts fridge for tomorrow, and call it a night for now.
The next morning, I begin my plan. I take the feces from the fridge, let it defrost and melt, and put it into one of the Boston kreme icing bags. I make a donut in the deep fryer as normal, and squeeze the feces icing bag into the center of the Boston kreme donut I have prepared. My mouth waters as I am dreaming of the sweet taste of revenge. I won’t put up with Korblex III’s shit, so I guess I’ll just give it right back to him (haha).
Korblex III comes in at his normal time, swaying back in forth like the usual normal douche he is, and asks for a Boston kreme donut. My hearts races with excitement as I hand him THE donut. He ‘thanks’ me (yeah right buddy you’re still a douche for not flushing) and is on his way to sit down. I watch him for a little bit so I can get a good look at his face when he bites into his own poop matter donut. He sits down and raises the donut to his face. He takes a bite, and his eyes open WIDE. Korblex III starts to go into cardiac arrest and seized everywhere. People are shouting and crowding around him.
Meanwhile I go up to Korblex III, take the uneaten part of the donut, and squeeze the remaining fecal matter into his eyes, just so he can get that good pink eye if he even survives his heart attack.
Spoiler alert: he didn’t. He was driven to the hospital where he was later proclaimed deceased. In the meantime, I smile to my self knowing my plan has worked and he is got what he deserved.
This serves as a reminder to all of you to flush and have good bathroom manners, or you too might end up with a poop donut."
“I am not most people.” Yeah, you got that right. You literally analyzed a piece of shit with your mouth as part of your investigation. You put Sherlock Holmes to shame. Forget fingerprints, we got shit samples.
End of Report:
Well, there you have it. 10 terrible stories to make your New Year that much better. Yeah, I don't know. Don't ask me how. Just know that some of these can be found on our NotSoNuclear sub (no longer accessible).
This has been your Mega Progress Report. Thanks!